It's not them, it's me

OK, I must preface this entry with a HUGE disclaimer.

Several stereotypes follow in my musings below, and as I have a few friends who read this, I want to make absolutely clear that I am working out MY issues here-- I LOVE my friends-- I think each is a stellar wife/mom/person etc-- I am making no judgements about anyone's particular choices in career or parenting. Only my own.

So I keep coming back to the idea of being comfortable with the whole staying-at-home thing. And it hit me; it's not so much that I feel like I am settling staying home ( I don't, I love being with my family). It is that often (less so now, but it definitely still happens), I feel fraudent in calling myself a professional mom. Yes, I know, no one interviews for the job or is hired, and it is quite difficult to get fired, but still. I also know everyone feels this way at times. But I feel like I have spent the past 9+ months not so much comparing myself to others to see how I am doing, but more to see what I am SUPPOSED to be doing. Like, for example, what is it that other moms do all day? Not as in filling the day, there is plenty to do there, but for example, am I supposed to be actually teaching my kid something? Is he going to be stupid because I don't speak Spanish to him-- hard, since I don't really know Spanish. What about baby sign language. I don't know that either. And the only classical music he listens to is when Ken is here and he has it on. And most times, I can curtail these crazy thoughts, realizing, "OK...clearly I grew up monolingual with NO music and I did OK." Whatever. I try not to get too caught up in all of this. But of course I want to do what's best for my child-- all parents do. And then this makes me think, maybe I SHOULD go back to work, if only to have less time obsessing on the details. My friends who work are fantastic moms, but I don't see them even giving baby sign language a second thought (unless it is to teach the baby at a very early age how to make one mean margarita!)

So then I got to thinking it really was time to go back to work. I kind of missed it. Well, the idea of it anyhow. I missed the excitement and just the coolness of it. And then I had the dream, nightmare, actually. I have had it a couple of times now. I am working in my ER and I have forgotten how to do it. Not the basics, but how to do it effectively and fast. My waiting room is filling up and I can't dispo a single patient and everyone, patients, nurses, techs, everyone is getting angrier and angrier and I am just getting more and more frantic until I wake up. And I am SO relieved that I am simply in bed, and largely unemployed.

But back to the mom thing. In the beginning I scoured the books, trying to figure out what to do with my baby (really, since I had never even changed a diaper before) and suddenly came the onslaught of all the different methods. Ferber, Sears, and so on. Was I going to Babywise or do the Sleep Whisperer? I could never figure it out. I don't know how many pages (thousands?) I read and comprehended in medical school-- why was this so daunting?? Anyhow, all I knew was Attached Parenting was probably not for me. I simply couldn't see myself wearing a sling 24/7 and breastfeeding a 3 year old.

So now, I am getting the hang of the basics of being a mom. I know how to feed my child, bathe him and put him to bed. I absolutely adore him and love spending every second with him, but still balk at identifying myself forever as a full-time mom. Part of it is that I don't want to let go of my professional ties altogether, but also, I don't feel like I have completely found my footing. Not in the way some of my friends have (and I can hear them scoffing if they read this) My working friends seem to have it down-- they have a nice routine; most work part-time and get to have a career, time with their family, and even time for themselves. To me, it seems easy, though I do recall each having a mini-breakdown when maternity leave was up (maybe the corollary for the SAHM is the first day of pre-school...not that this milestone is less poignant for the working mom, but she already is used to her child being independent) Anyhow, these women are awesome, and though they would never be anything but supportive of me, I wonder if they don't think I have gone a bit of crazy, becoming a full time housewife out here in what appears to be the boondocks.

And then my mom friends who are currently not working also seem to have it running smoothly. They have their routines, their children are well-fed with home prepared (organic) food and playing with educational toys. Their babies are totally bonded to them, while I still look at mine as he tries to run off with the nearest stranger. Don't get me wrong, not for a second are these the Momzillas of the popular books these days, all uppity about teaching babies six languages and all kinds of crazy things. None would ever make me feel bad about the fact that I have gone back to BPA bottles (not always, but that's what he likes best) or that probably many of Hagen's toys have lead in them. (For a laugh at affluent parents these days, take a look at bestparentever.com It is funny-- some of the things definitely apply to me-- thankfully, many do not!)

But most of all, I have been focused the last few months on just letting everyone do what is best for them and their family, and trying not to judge. Well, I realized I haven't been so good about that (see semi-snide comment about about extended breast-feeding) Anyhow, as one of my teenaged step-daughters was playing soccer, I looked around (with disdain, unfortunately) at the parents there, who really seemed overly involved in the lives of their adolescent children. Screaming on the sidelines, yelling at the coaches, berating the kids, etc, you have heard it all before on the news. I overheard one set of parents trying to figure out how to get press coverage for their team. Press coverage! For kids' soccer!! And I was thinking, is this what happens to moms who stay home?? Hagen's life is my life now, and I love it. But is this what happens when he is 12? And I was thinking that if I don't go babk to work, I'd better damn well get a hobby, because I DON'T want to be one of those crazy, obsessed parents. But anyhow, I am trying to be more accepting, less judgemental-- it is good that the parents are out there supporting their kids. Hopefully, I will be different.

And as for the mom thing, I haven't got it all figured out. Hence the whole "under construction" idea.