It's not them, it's me

OK, I must preface this entry with a HUGE disclaimer.

Several stereotypes follow in my musings below, and as I have a few friends who read this, I want to make absolutely clear that I am working out MY issues here-- I LOVE my friends-- I think each is a stellar wife/mom/person etc-- I am making no judgements about anyone's particular choices in career or parenting. Only my own.

So I keep coming back to the idea of being comfortable with the whole staying-at-home thing. And it hit me; it's not so much that I feel like I am settling staying home ( I don't, I love being with my family). It is that often (less so now, but it definitely still happens), I feel fraudent in calling myself a professional mom. Yes, I know, no one interviews for the job or is hired, and it is quite difficult to get fired, but still. I also know everyone feels this way at times. But I feel like I have spent the past 9+ months not so much comparing myself to others to see how I am doing, but more to see what I am SUPPOSED to be doing. Like, for example, what is it that other moms do all day? Not as in filling the day, there is plenty to do there, but for example, am I supposed to be actually teaching my kid something? Is he going to be stupid because I don't speak Spanish to him-- hard, since I don't really know Spanish. What about baby sign language. I don't know that either. And the only classical music he listens to is when Ken is here and he has it on. And most times, I can curtail these crazy thoughts, realizing, "OK...clearly I grew up monolingual with NO music and I did OK." Whatever. I try not to get too caught up in all of this. But of course I want to do what's best for my child-- all parents do. And then this makes me think, maybe I SHOULD go back to work, if only to have less time obsessing on the details. My friends who work are fantastic moms, but I don't see them even giving baby sign language a second thought (unless it is to teach the baby at a very early age how to make one mean margarita!)

So then I got to thinking it really was time to go back to work. I kind of missed it. Well, the idea of it anyhow. I missed the excitement and just the coolness of it. And then I had the dream, nightmare, actually. I have had it a couple of times now. I am working in my ER and I have forgotten how to do it. Not the basics, but how to do it effectively and fast. My waiting room is filling up and I can't dispo a single patient and everyone, patients, nurses, techs, everyone is getting angrier and angrier and I am just getting more and more frantic until I wake up. And I am SO relieved that I am simply in bed, and largely unemployed.

But back to the mom thing. In the beginning I scoured the books, trying to figure out what to do with my baby (really, since I had never even changed a diaper before) and suddenly came the onslaught of all the different methods. Ferber, Sears, and so on. Was I going to Babywise or do the Sleep Whisperer? I could never figure it out. I don't know how many pages (thousands?) I read and comprehended in medical school-- why was this so daunting?? Anyhow, all I knew was Attached Parenting was probably not for me. I simply couldn't see myself wearing a sling 24/7 and breastfeeding a 3 year old.

So now, I am getting the hang of the basics of being a mom. I know how to feed my child, bathe him and put him to bed. I absolutely adore him and love spending every second with him, but still balk at identifying myself forever as a full-time mom. Part of it is that I don't want to let go of my professional ties altogether, but also, I don't feel like I have completely found my footing. Not in the way some of my friends have (and I can hear them scoffing if they read this) My working friends seem to have it down-- they have a nice routine; most work part-time and get to have a career, time with their family, and even time for themselves. To me, it seems easy, though I do recall each having a mini-breakdown when maternity leave was up (maybe the corollary for the SAHM is the first day of pre-school...not that this milestone is less poignant for the working mom, but she already is used to her child being independent) Anyhow, these women are awesome, and though they would never be anything but supportive of me, I wonder if they don't think I have gone a bit of crazy, becoming a full time housewife out here in what appears to be the boondocks.

And then my mom friends who are currently not working also seem to have it running smoothly. They have their routines, their children are well-fed with home prepared (organic) food and playing with educational toys. Their babies are totally bonded to them, while I still look at mine as he tries to run off with the nearest stranger. Don't get me wrong, not for a second are these the Momzillas of the popular books these days, all uppity about teaching babies six languages and all kinds of crazy things. None would ever make me feel bad about the fact that I have gone back to BPA bottles (not always, but that's what he likes best) or that probably many of Hagen's toys have lead in them. (For a laugh at affluent parents these days, take a look at bestparentever.com It is funny-- some of the things definitely apply to me-- thankfully, many do not!)

But most of all, I have been focused the last few months on just letting everyone do what is best for them and their family, and trying not to judge. Well, I realized I haven't been so good about that (see semi-snide comment about about extended breast-feeding) Anyhow, as one of my teenaged step-daughters was playing soccer, I looked around (with disdain, unfortunately) at the parents there, who really seemed overly involved in the lives of their adolescent children. Screaming on the sidelines, yelling at the coaches, berating the kids, etc, you have heard it all before on the news. I overheard one set of parents trying to figure out how to get press coverage for their team. Press coverage! For kids' soccer!! And I was thinking, is this what happens to moms who stay home?? Hagen's life is my life now, and I love it. But is this what happens when he is 12? And I was thinking that if I don't go babk to work, I'd better damn well get a hobby, because I DON'T want to be one of those crazy, obsessed parents. But anyhow, I am trying to be more accepting, less judgemental-- it is good that the parents are out there supporting their kids. Hopefully, I will be different.

And as for the mom thing, I haven't got it all figured out. Hence the whole "under construction" idea.

Yesssss, I am still here

I just haven't had anything interesting or useful to say lately. Part of this is because we have been busy (although I have to use this term carefully..."busy" now means something entirely different than when I was working...now "busy"means running a lot of errands, H having a cold, or maybe going on a trip. Basically busy in a different way than before) Anyhow, we have been gone a lot, but mostly, I just haven't felt very inspired.

I can't believe I missed the entire month of November here. Oh well. Time to get back on the horse.

But, since it was just Thanksgiving, I really do want to mention what I am so, so grateful for:

1. That my son is healthy-- I pray every night for this. Yes, my newfound (or I guess, rediscovered) spirituality surprises me sometimes, but I am so thankful for my son, I feel I need to thank God daily that he is healthy. I know so many who aren't-- I simply can't imagine the pain and horror. I fear that this could change in an instant. When he was first born, I would check on him upwards of ten times a night, terrifed he would die of SIDS in the middle of the night. I am so grateful he hasn't, and I also understand that all the worrying really isn't going to stop or prevent the truly awful things in life from sneaking up on us when we least expect them. So I am thankful now.

2. That all of my basic needs (and those of my family) are met, without worry or question. I know each day that I will have more than enough food, a roof over my head, gas in my car, health insurance, and really, anything more we could really NEED. Again, I know plenty who do not.

3. That I have such a wonderful husband- yes, we drive each other crazy sometimes, but he is my life partner, and for this I am so, so thankful.

4. That I have such a fantastic, supportive group of friends. They really are my family-- I don't have sisters, but my friends really are sisters to me. And I am so lucky. I am so lucky to be blessed with such fun, smart, dynamic women in my life.



On a different note, we have been traveling a bit, meaning I have been out of my little cocoon here, and I note the whole "stay at home mom" thing isn't as well received it is here in my world. Many of my friends stay home with their kids full time. Apparently, this is viewed negatively elsewhere. We have been vistiting family and friends and during these times I am frequently asked something along the lines of, "Don't you feel like you are wasting all those years of education? Don't you think your brain will turn to mush? Don't you think you might sprout horns? "(OK, not really on that one) I realized that I need to just get over this-- it really isn't important in the least what other people think, only that I am happy and content with my life and choices. I realize I would rather do one thing and enjoy it in a relaxed manner than try to do several things (work, take care of my kids) and be stressed out. Don't get me wrong, I am not criticizing those who chose NOT to stay home-- I think we all just need to do what works for us and stop questioning others.

I do have a few more thoughts, but family calls. Back soon, less than 6 weeks this time...

Now versus Then

So, I have already established that I love my family and my stay at home life, but it sure is different from the old days. Let's be honest here-- there is absolutely nothing preventing me from going back (nope, don't want to) , so much of my musing today is simply nostalgia and overglamorization of working life viewed via the retrospectoscope.

There is something definitely fun and exciting about being an ER doctor-- definitely. Look-- TV shows have been dedicated to my career-- at any given time, you can probably find a show on TV about emergency medicine, either reality or fictionalized. Just off the top of my head I can think of the following:"ER"-- obviously, "House"- sort of counts, "Trauma: Life in the ER"-- I was on that once, ok, just for snippets, and in the background, but still, it counts! "Code Blue", "Mystery ER", "Untold Stories of the ER"- need I go on?

Some might even venture to say being an ER doc is kind of hot. Yes, I have to admit, there were times I felt a teensy bit like a rock star back in the day, with all the fun procedures and equipment and toys. It's definitely a high-- very fast-paced, sometimes there's some drama, and there is definitely a fun, flirtatious camraderie with all the staff, male and female alike. Some days you even save a life. There is also the entourage. You always have some sort of group following you (not because you are so cool, that is just sort of how it goes with the job)-- there are medical students and maybe a resident or two following you, wanting to see a procedure or two. Usually a couple of volunteers lurk about, hoping to see something cool, and then there is the Scribe. Yes, the Scribe. The Scribe is something (I think) unique to emergency medicine-- he or she is meant to streamline the physician's life, but also to make sure the doc doesn't screw up simply because of a lack of documentation. The Scribe literally follows the doc and writes down everything he or she is ordered, sort of like a mobile secretary, but then the Scribe also helps make sure orders happen. For example, I go see Mrs. X, who has chest pain. Scribe comes with me and listens while I take the history. As I talk to Mrs X, I make notations to Scribe (whom I have introduced as my scribe and assistant and follows all HIPPA compliance-- no patient confidentiality issues here) and as we talk I repeat back certain things in a manner indicating to Scribe that I want these things entered into the chart. Such as, "So Mrs X, you say your pain started 3 hours ago?" and so on. Then when I examine her, I tell Scribe out loud (discreetly, and with the door shut so others cannot hear) what I see on exam so this goes into the chart as well. When we are done, I give Scribe my orders and he or she gets them done. Scribe makes sure that there are no written documentation errors-- by confirming all my orders with me. This might seem like extra work, but overall, it really does save time. Yeah, there is no Scribe in my life these days.

I do, however, still have an entourage, but half of it wears diapers and the other half is of the four-legged, canine variety.

As I write this though, I am having a harder time describing ways in which the paths of my life diverge-- actually, it seems emergency medicine has trained me quite well for being a mom. I am more than comfortable with body fluids. I am used to endless screaming at all hours of the night (be it patients', children's, or my own). I am comfortable handling all kinds of emergencies, big and small. I am not afraid of blood. I am used to being up all night and surviving on little sleep. No, life these days is definitely not very glamorous (though it kind of is to me) but there are plenty of TV shows about it-- "A Baby Story, "Surviving Motherhood", "Wife Swap"-- ok, maybe that one doesn't count, and perhaps I am giving away that I watch a bit too much TV! My point is, today I don't feel the least bit like a rock star, but I am happier than ever.

More than once I have been asked if I feel I am "wasting" all my education and training-- it's probably not an unreasonable question. I spent 12 years training to be a physician, and I am happy if I never see the inside of an ER again. I was super-driven through college and medical school and residency, always running toward a goal. My career was always the highest priority-- I learned to delay gratification and work always with my eye on the future. Later, I would be rewarded for all my hard work. Well, "later" never really came. Yes, I finished training, but it really wasn't all that great. "Later" was actually quite a disappointment. All that work, and while I had a tremendous sense of satisfaction from having completed such a task, I felt like I missed out on an awful lot of life. Even once I was out of training, I was still just racing toward smaller goals-- finishing a shift, completing a research paper, finishing a talk for a conference-- the process of which really wasn't enjoyable. This is probably the single greatest difference between my life then and my life now-- I am not missing a single second of life-- and I am definitely not wasting an instant of it. I realize children are young only once and for such a brief period of time- each second is joyous for me (okay, maybe not the crying and the up all night part, but most of it is) I love my slower-paced life. I love just hanging out with my husband and baby. Even just giving my son a bath is so much fun. I love the fact that I can take an entire afternoon to go to the grocery store. So life is much slower. And there is no Scribe. And no flirtatious paramedics dropping off ice cream or doughnuts. But, I still have my entourage. And I wouldn't trade worlds for a second.

When I grow up I want to be...

Well, for the time being, I want nothing else but to be a stay at home mom (or SAHM, of course). I love hanging with my husband, son and dog. It sometimes surprises me that after 12+ years of education and a firmly instilled sense of feminism, nothing gives me a thrill quite like putting a meal on the table for my husband and giving my little boy a bath. Day after day I realize I am more satisfied and fulfilled changing diapers than I ever was intubating or putting in central lines.

But, I realize that when my little one (or ones) goes to school, perhaps I might wish to return to a more professional career. The trouble is, I feel I am no longer suited to the job I was trained for. Motherhood has forever changed me, and I think I have lost the part of me that made me a good emergency physician. Becoming a mother has probably made me a better person, but almost certainly not someone who should be running a code or a high-volume ER.

It is true, the medical specialties definitely have distinct personalities. Warning, these are gross generalizations. Pediatricians are warm, fuzzy people, super excited to see and talk to kids, and sometimes even have a childlike way about them. Women OBGYN residents tend to be really mean (though I have found this is definitely not the case with women attendings- during training they are very bitchy, but afterward, they tend to be nice women. Not sure what the change is, because life for an OB really doesn't get all that much better after residency.) Orthopedic surgeons are male, tall, good looking, and perhaps not as smart as some of their other surgeon counterparts, say ear/nose/throat surgeons. Well, ER docs are go-getters, who also tend to be hard-asses. We go into emergency medicine because we like variety, have short attention spans, and really don't have the patience to listen to people drone on and on. We like the quick and dirty. In the ER, sometimes you need to be a hard-ass. Which means tossing the homeless person looking for a meal and a place to sleep back out on the street. Same goes with the person with chronic back pain looking for drugs. Or, asking the tech to hold the toddler tighter in the papoose so you can quickly throw in two sutures into the chin laceration-- just get in and get out while the kid is screaming.

Anyhow, somewhere along with the placenta, I seem to have lost my edge. I just feel that if I were to go back to the ER, I would be utterly useless-- paralyzed by a sense of grief and hopelessness about the world inside a hospital. I would sit down and listen to the homeless person's story (and probably each one of the voices inside his head) and maybe even invite him home to my spare bedroom. No way could I move fast enough to be efficient in a busy ER-- I just don't have that in me anymore. I don't think I could deal with even suturing a child, let alone what would happen should a critically ill or injured child come in on my shift. So anyhow, I realize I am a danger in the ER.

OK, so what does that leave me with? Well, I am a doctor...so one would think I'd have ample opportunity for work. Well, not really-- I know what I know how to do, and frankly, not much else.

Thankfully, these days, I know EXACTLY what it is that I want to be doing, and I am completely fulfilled doing it. Down the road, don't know. There isn't exactly physician retraining--and again, I'm not too worried about it. And there's always that outside chance that part of my personality will suddenly come back, but I have to say I'd be disappointed if it did.

Oh, to be on bedrest

So, I was never on bedrest (I was told to stay off my feet, take it easy, etc when I had some pre-term contractions) but honestly, the idea has frequently appealed to me. And it sure does now. The concept first sounded good when I was in medical school, and so damn tired I thought I would die. When I was on my OB/GYN rotation I met women bored to death staying in bed for weeks, and while I do understand how tortuous that could be after awhile, particularly if you have other kids, I would have loved to have tried it for say, a few days. And now, oh what I wouldn't give to stay in bed and watch tv. When I was pregnant I watched tv like it was my job. Now, I watch tv hardly at all, and only at the end of the day. And I am not sure why I am so tired-- I woke up this morning thinking I couldn't wait until I could go back to bed.

What IS so exhausting about motherhood? I really can't put my finger on it. Really, I spend much of my day on the floor playing with toys. What's hard about that? Nothing at all. But I have a different kind of tired than I had at the end of a 12 hour shift running around the ER. I just don't get it. It's really not physically demanding, at least not yet, with one child who doesn't yet walk (I get that with multiple kids who are all running around, it is an entirely different game).

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to sound like I am complaining. I LOVE being a stay at home mom. It is the happiest I have ever been in my life. And I just want to vomit when I hear some mothers around here talk about how hard it is--OK, yes, we need to put a lot of emotional energy into our children, but in this neighborhood, where nearly everyone has a housekeeper at least once a week (and many full-time), life just isn't that hard. The single mom with 3 kids who is working evenings as a waitress while her sister babysits-- HER life is hard. Clipping coupons and really not being sure if you are going to be able to buy both groceries AND gas this week-- THAT is hard. If the hardest thing we have to do in our lives is drive a bunch of kids all over the place (granted, I understand that is a lot of driving and kids these days have a lot of different activities), life is pretty damn good.

I still wouldn't turn down one day of bedrest though....

Stages and phases

We are going through a phase. Clinginess, crying, neediness, and separation anxiety.

Nope, not Hagen, but me. H turned 8 months yesterday, and according to babycenter.com (where I spend waaaaaayyyy too much time), he should be exhibiting stranger anxiety and wanting his mommy all the time. Except that he's not. He loves everyone and would clearly go home with any random person who approaches us in Target. Which has me obsessed that he's not properly bonded to me. And now I am the clingy one who won't leave him. Yes, I am THAT mom right now, the one who can't be away from her kid. I was supposed to go get a massage tomorrow-- part of the deal with my husband-- a spa day for each fishing trip, but I am not going because I don't want to leave my baby. And I am not going to go, because objectively I don't want to waste a spa treatment if I'm not going to enjoy it because I am worried that my son has forgotten all about me in the time that I am gone.

Don't worry, I know this is a phase. At least I hope it is. When he was 2 months old, we were referred to Cranial Tech-- the people who make helmets for babies with plagiocephaly-- 0r oddly shapen heads. Plagiocephaly is very common now with the whole "back-to-sleep" deal. Anyhow, I wasn't worried about the helmet--and in the end, we didn't need one, with more tummy time, Hagen's head evened out just fine. It was more that in their literature, they spoke of an association between plagiocephaly and developmental delay (which my pediatrician assured me is not the case). Anyhow, for the next month, I was very depressed, assured that the reason Hagen's head was misshapen was because I was a lazy mom who never enforced tummy time and my kid was now destined to be the slow kid for the rest of his life because of my failings as a mom. That phase, too, passed-- I got over it.

Let's see, what else? Oh yes, in the beginning I was convinced I was the only one who couldn't "get" breastfeeding, even though I knew objectively that most women have trouble in the beginning. So that just through me over the top of what was already a completely hormonally-crazed time. And then the whole sleep-deprivation stage. Interesting, because I thought I was used to being sleep deprived-- I did it so much in internship and residency. It's different though, medicine has a completely different rhythm, and yes, medical training is awful and inhumane, but there is always a post-call period when you know you can go home, turn your pager off, and go to sleep. That doesn't happen with a newborn.

So yes, in this current stage I am in, I catch myself thinking that I can postpone most activites for myself until Hagen is in pre-school. Now, that is simply not-realistic. (I doubt it is possible for me to go another 2 years without a dental appointment or doctor visit (yes, I know I could take him, but easier not to) and certainly not a pedicure, workout, or hair appt--not to be shallow, but there MUST be some self maintenance). But I do find myself trying to do as much as possible with Hagen or just not ever leaving him-- I want to be with him all the time right now-- he is just so much fun, and I miss him when I am away. And then there is the whole--does-he-like-Carmen-more-than me-thing. I am like a late enty into the attachment parenting world...and Hagen is really too heavy for me now to sling, not to mention that he doesn't really like it. Same with co-sleeping-- he doesn't like it (thankfully! We decided long ago he'd sleep in a crib in his own room--yes, yes, I know, a baby cage) But if you see us at Target, he will still be the happy baby who will gladly go off with anyone. And I will soon get over that and be happy again that I have such an easy-going baby.

It's Official, I'm middle aged!

At least according to my DVR. So, with my husband gone this week, I have been reveling in TV, or as I also call it, my boyfriend. I realize I watch only two primetime, network shows, and I think now they both kind of suck. I can barely make it through Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy, and that's only fast forwarding through the boring parts.

I was having lunch with two friends last week and one was lamenting that we might be old. I was really taken aback by this, as I don't feel old in the least, in fact, I feel these are great years, with only better ones to come. I assured her we are in fact, anything but old. The teen years are awkward, and while the twenties give us the blessings of physical vigor, we have career stresses and uncertainties, and (in my opinion) don't really hit our stride until the thirties. To use the old cliche, life is just beginning. By the way, it also helps to have a husband 20 years your senior-- my husband is 55 and doesn't seem any older than me. I don't think of him as old in the least, so if 55 isn't old, 35 certainly can't be.

Well, that doesn't mean I don't notice some changes lately around me. I find I am just not interested in some of my old standbys: VH1, MTV, E!, and most sadly, US magazine. I totally don't care about The Hills (I could not care any LESS that Lauren and Heidi are speaking again-- whatever). I am not going to watch Gossip Girl or the new 90210, and I don't care about Lindsay Lohan and her girlfriend. And then I realized, there really isn't anyone that would appear on the cover that WOULD make me read US-- I have just grown out of it. It truly is the end of an era. I used to look forward to going to the grocery store on Thursday because the new magazines would be out (sorry, did I just give something sad and pathetic away about my life?) Now it's my Costco day.

And then the horror....I got to thinking about what is actually on my DVR. Well, here it is:

Army Wives (a Lifetime Original Series)
5, yes, FIVE Lifetime movies--in various stages of viewing
Without a Trace
Jon & Kate plus 8-- can't believe I'd actually admit that one

Yup, might as well trade People for Good Housekeeping. Or Ladies' Home Journal.

Pumpkins

I feel kind of like Cinderella when 5pm rolls around. That is when I am in a frenzy, trying to get Hagen fed, bathed, dressed, and then fed again before getting to bed at 6. Somehow, if I miss the 6 pm window (as I did tonight), I have a completely overtired, overwrought monster who screams but won't sleep. So we are currently undergoing the pain that is "crying it out"-- something Carmen NEVER does with him. She watches him two days per week. She rocks him and sings to him before nap time, basically until he is completely asleep, and earlier today, I saw her feeding him a bottle IN his crib. No wonder it seems he prefers her to me. He is 8 months, and is definitely showing no signs of separation anxiety, unless it is for Carmen. Yes indeedy, he does seem sorry to see her go. But that is a completely other story. Lately I am obsessed with making sure he doesn't like her more than he likes me. So I am really trying to limit the time she watches him-- when I go to work and run a few errands, and to boxing. But I am trying to work out more at home, because I just don't want to leave him. Can't stand the thought of him bonding with anyone but Mommy (or Daddy).

So today we went again to the pumpkin patch, and in fact took Carmen's two kids. It seems I see a pumpkin patch now on every corner-- with not only pumpkins but petting zoos, rides, race painters, cotton candy, and pony rides. I don't recall anything like this when I was growing up. The closest I can recall is going to a faux-patch with my Brownie troop, and getting to pick out a pumpkin when we demonstrated we could tie a square knot. We also got a patch for our uniform (?knot tying? don't remember which skill this would represent) But no petting zoo, pony ride...and this was on a real farm, and only the Girl Scouts were there, it was not really open for commercial use. I am not sure when this frenzy of pumpkin-mania started. I almost expect to see a "pumpkin-man" to get one's photo taken with, kind of like Santa at the mall. In my day we got our pumpkins at Vons (actually, I think it was Alpha-Beta), and our costumes too.

All over the magazines are the photos of celebrities with their kids at the pumpkin patch. Now, if I was in the 'biz, this is the last place I would go-- obviously, this place (there must be only one in Hollywood, since it is in every October issue of Us, People, Star, etc and it appears that only famous people go there) is crawling with paparazzi, and I really wouldn't want my kid all over the tabloids. Whatever-- doesn't stop me from reading it.

And we'll probably hit the patch this weekend again! No celebs at mine, that's for sure. I am gettting to know the staff there pretty well though...not a bad thing though, maybe if I get in good with them they'll give me a good deal on a Xmas tree...since come 11/1 the pumpkins make way for Santa and the Elves.

On friendship

I have been thinking a lot lately about friendship. Obviously (at least to me), a good friend sees our flaws and loves us in spite of, or because of them. But I think also, they see the person we want to be, the one we envision ourselves as. I have been extremely fortunate to have a really good group of friends-- a couple from medical school, a couple from internship and residency, and a couple from the years beyond. They have always been an integral part of my life, and though we see less of each other than we did say, 10 years ago, in my opinion, these relationships are even more important now as life grows more complex. Yes, it was important to me to have my friends sitting next to me on the barstool at South Beach at happy hour each night (oh, does the time fly!), but I think it is more important for me now to have a sounding board (am I a bad mom because I hate breastfeeding? am I a bad wife when I am happy if my husband goes out of town so I can just watch tv and not wash my hair (yes, I went a record FOUR DAYS this time)

Anyhow, I notice the years are softening me (certainly physically, as evidenced by the undeniable muffin-top I now have post-baby, as well as a few more lines and wrinkles even my Botox addiction isn't erasing), as I am learning more and more exactly what it means to be a good friend. More about the "accepting people for who they are" part. Recently, a good friend of mine did two things that hurt me. The specifics of which are not important-- the essentials are that this is a person I have respect for, and she hurt me. But at the core, I realize that this is a fundamental part of her-- she did not mean to be hurtful in the least, and when I told her how much she hurt my feelings, she felt terrible, so much so, that I wish I hadn't told her. She sometimes just doesn't have much of a filter, and doesn't think about what she says before she says it. And this is the thing-- our friends are our friends, and not so long ago I would have been much more upset and uppity about the whole thing, but as I said, I am getting softer, and in this instance, in a good way. My friends love and support me, and I am clearly a very imperfect person. I am impatient and easily frustrated and short-tempered, and sometimes, very judgemental. But they know that, and are ok with it. And this friend, well, she just sometimes says things that come across as brash-- and I need to be a friend and let it go. Because I wouldn't be a friend if I didn't forgive her her faults-- heaven only knows how many times my friends have overlooked mine.


Back to the whole softening thing. This first came up when I received an email a few weeks ago from an old friend from college. A "deputy boyfriend" . I don't have time to define the term now, but most women will know. Basically, this is the backup guy. The one who never gets any action, who is desperately in love with you, and you are not interested because you like some other guy who is not giving you the time of day. But the deputy is there to take you to a movie when HotGuy is not calling like he promised (because he is out with any number of other girls) Anyhow, looks like I just defined it. Not a nice thing, but turns out everyone has a deputy--- it is important-- the man learns how to be a boyfriend and girls ultimately learn how NOT to treat a man-- because eventually the deputy gets fed up and goes elsewhere, and the woman realzies what she missed out on. But back to MY deputy-- he sent me an email the essence of which was this:


"Julie: My wife and I are getting a divorce. You were right about her-- she is bad news. I wish I listened 12 years ago when you told me she would cheat on me. She was having an affair with her boss and now she moved out and we are getting divorced."

Well, I had not heard from this person in about 12 years...I am not even sure how he found my email. Suffice to say I was surprised, and saddened for him. But I was also surprised at how obnoxious and judgemental I sounded-- and I am sure he was correct, I am sure I WAS that obnoxious and judgemental at the time. Like I said, the years have softened me. I am trying to be a better person-- more accepting, more forgiving. Believe me, it is not always working. I am (still) far from perfect. But it is a work in progress.

I am definitely less judgemental. I think as I see life becoming more complicated, I understand that things are not black and white. I see how hard life's challenges are, and I understand how it isn't as easy for some to stay in a marriage, or stay away from alcohol/drugs, etc. I completely understand how you go from one day living in one world, to the next seemingly in another. We need each other to help us through-- not the judgement of others. No one has a perfect life-- I realized that when I got divorced. I was so embarrased about it-- I was ashamed to tell people, and still I fear running into certain people. Why? Not sure. It is in troubled times you learn who your friends are-- anyone who has attitude about it can just get over themselves. It was my friends who got me through that. I am so blessed now-- I have a wonderful husband, whom I absolutely worship, and a beautiful little son who is truly a miracle. I am very lucky, but life really sucked for awhile, and I knew I could always count on my friends.

Obsessions

My life is all about routine. You might say I am obsessed with routine. Of course, like every new mom, I read all the books about the importance of establishing a routine for the baby. But I mean a routine for me. Routines are very soothing to me. This is where Ken and I differ (well, one of a few ways)-- I am a homebody and need consistency. Having a baby has kind of thrown that all off course. So these days, I am just trying to get back on track-- I have pretty much accomplished that with my workouts. I am a FREAK about exercise. My day, and therefore my life, is just better if I start my day out with exercise. I am in a better mood, I am more efficient, and everything is better. I have NO reason not to exercise daily. I have Plan A, B, C, for exercise. Plan A is to go to my boxing gym while Carmen watches Hagen. When Carmen is not here, Plan B is to go to Frog's in Encinitas where they have child care. Plan C is I work out at home in our gym, rotating cardio machines every ten minutes, and each 10 minutes I rotate Hagen to a different toy. Works ok, but is hard to focus on my workout. Anyway, I have a workout routine. The rest of the day, not so much. I am trying to figure out what it is I am "supposed" to be doing as a stay-at-home-mom. Honestly, sometimes I love it and sometimes it is really boring. Not the being with Hagen part, but the being at home with Hagen part. I can tell even HE is bored with me. We go to Target A LOT. I have been much better lately about trying new things and getting out more. We are going to new playgroups--we joined Gymboree (that might not have been a good idea, as he cried through much of our first class), and I have been taking him to playgrounds and the like. I would love to go walking more with him, but the trails are too bumpy for him-- I just need to get in the car with my jogging stroller and go somewhere else. Anyhow, I have a few mom friends here in the neighborhood that are really nice and I see them at least once a week. Anyway, I still feel a bit unsettled without my routine.

At least I have Diet Coke, another major obsession and also, part of my routine. Yes, I know all the aspartame and chemicals are not good for me. But, I don't smoke or do any drugs, I don't drink all that much, and it just makes me feel better. It is like my own grown-up pacifier. Interestingly, before I got pregnant, I cut back to the point I drank hardly any DC, drinking green and white tea instead (yes, aren't I the healthy one??). But once I got knocked up, I just felt like there was so much else I needed to give up, I just wasn't emotionally prepared to stop Diet Coke, and in fact, I craved it. And when H was a newborn, I consumed it by the gallon.



I LOVE to read, and I used to read voraciously. Medical school kind of ruined reading. I still read, but now I read to finish, rather than truly read for pleasure. I still love reading, but I can't make myself slow down and enjoy books, I have to race to the end. And sometimes (often), I have to skip ahead to the end, which I always hate doing afterward. Anyhow, I just read a book titled something like, "PoshMom"-- not about being a wealthy mom but about always looking well put together and looking your best. The premise being that "you look good you feel good"- one of the cardinal rules in this book is "no workout clothes after noon"-- uh yeah, not happening for me. Well, I tried being a PoshMom for like 2 days. Honestly, if I am just going to be at home crawling around with a baby, why CAN'T I be in my workout clothes? And the few days I have gotten dressed (sadly, only in jeans/tops instead of sweats)-- I am just not comfortable and I find myself itching to get back in my houseclothes. So I have worked out a compromise-- at least a few days a week, I shower and actually get dressed and leave the house (this often happens on the weekends) and then when I am at home, I can wear my regular sweats. And yes, some days I don't get around to showering until the afternoon. Anyhow, so a Poshmom I am not.

Building blocks

I have wanted to start a blog for years now-- my friend Amy has inspired me to finally get moving. Part of me felt that it was "too late" to start-- like I missed some key things I should have blogged about, so why start now? I realize looking back how dumb that was, so I am starting today. I wish now I had started a journal when I was pregnant, or dating my husband, or during other milestones, but at least I am starting now.

I realize very few, if any, will ever read this-- I am completely fine with that. In fact, I will be operating under the assumption this blog will have minimal viewing, so there will be much honesty here.

Anyhow, the "under construction" title comes because that is the sense I have of my life these days. On the off chance there is an actual reader, and one who doesn't know me, I am a doctor-turned housewife-and now mom. My son was born in February, making him now 8 months old. I am completely thrilled with where I am in life, I love being a wife and mother so much more than I ever thought I would, it is just that I feel a bit lost in the learning "how" to do these things. I know, I know, everyone feels this way. But I come from a background of years and years of being taught, and teaching "how" to do things. I certainly did not know how to be a doctor when I was a medical student and a resident, and there was plenty of muddling through and, honestly, pulling things out of my ass when I needed to. But in my medical training, there was always someone I could find to show me, or to help me. Here with my child, in the beginning I truly felt helpless-- like I was the only doctor working in a crazy busy hospital with no backup and my waiting room was full.

Anyhow, these days I feel like I am under construction-- I am becoming a mother-- yes, I became one when Hagen was born, but I am learning daily what that means, and slowly adopting the role. That also means though, that the rest of me is being remodeled-- physically (oh please, oh please, let me fit into my jeans)-- psychically, and emotionally. Also, maybe it is just where I am in my life (35), but lately it is important to me to work on being a better person-- or at least better for me. (Maybe not a great person by objective standards, but a better person in comparison to usual-Julie)


So this is a relatively short intro; Ken is fishing (again--5 trips a year allowed!), and though I miss him, I must admit I like the quiet, watching all kinds of bad tv, no cooking, long baths in the evening, etc. So I am off to watch the Without a Trace episode I have on my DVR from last night.

Which brings me to one side note, TV

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Without a Trace. Yes, I know, cheesy TV and all. But what first got me interested was Poppy Montgomery-- I have a soft spot for tv shows with blonde women who kick ass, what can I say? Anyhow, I watched a couple of reruns on TNT (like Law&Order, which I also love, it is on all the time!) and got totally hooked while I was pregnant and did nothing but stay permantly attached to the couch. So anyhow, back to Poppy Montgomery-- I got really into the show when I was pregnant, and then I realized she was pregnant too, and then I felt this bond with her, because she was SO big and huge, as was I. (I was truly a beast while pregnant, I won't deny it.) I read in an interview that she gained nearly 70 pounds, and I am not surprised-- I am also happy to see that she still carries some of her baby weight-- I know she is still breastfeeding, and I just don't understand how all of these celebrities become near-skeletal within weeks of giving birth (my suspicion about Nicole Kidman though is surrogacy)--I am a FREAK about diet, exercise, and fitness and I simply could not lose the last 20 pounds for SEVEN months. Yes, I know everyone is different, and for some, breastfeeding makes the weight just fall off. But this does not happen to all, and I refuse to believe this is what is making the Hollywood types so frail-looking. Anyhow, it makes me feel a bit warm and fuzzy inside to see Poppy M looking like me-- still with a bit of gooeyness along the middle.