On friendship

I have been thinking a lot lately about friendship. Obviously (at least to me), a good friend sees our flaws and loves us in spite of, or because of them. But I think also, they see the person we want to be, the one we envision ourselves as. I have been extremely fortunate to have a really good group of friends-- a couple from medical school, a couple from internship and residency, and a couple from the years beyond. They have always been an integral part of my life, and though we see less of each other than we did say, 10 years ago, in my opinion, these relationships are even more important now as life grows more complex. Yes, it was important to me to have my friends sitting next to me on the barstool at South Beach at happy hour each night (oh, does the time fly!), but I think it is more important for me now to have a sounding board (am I a bad mom because I hate breastfeeding? am I a bad wife when I am happy if my husband goes out of town so I can just watch tv and not wash my hair (yes, I went a record FOUR DAYS this time)

Anyhow, I notice the years are softening me (certainly physically, as evidenced by the undeniable muffin-top I now have post-baby, as well as a few more lines and wrinkles even my Botox addiction isn't erasing), as I am learning more and more exactly what it means to be a good friend. More about the "accepting people for who they are" part. Recently, a good friend of mine did two things that hurt me. The specifics of which are not important-- the essentials are that this is a person I have respect for, and she hurt me. But at the core, I realize that this is a fundamental part of her-- she did not mean to be hurtful in the least, and when I told her how much she hurt my feelings, she felt terrible, so much so, that I wish I hadn't told her. She sometimes just doesn't have much of a filter, and doesn't think about what she says before she says it. And this is the thing-- our friends are our friends, and not so long ago I would have been much more upset and uppity about the whole thing, but as I said, I am getting softer, and in this instance, in a good way. My friends love and support me, and I am clearly a very imperfect person. I am impatient and easily frustrated and short-tempered, and sometimes, very judgemental. But they know that, and are ok with it. And this friend, well, she just sometimes says things that come across as brash-- and I need to be a friend and let it go. Because I wouldn't be a friend if I didn't forgive her her faults-- heaven only knows how many times my friends have overlooked mine.


Back to the whole softening thing. This first came up when I received an email a few weeks ago from an old friend from college. A "deputy boyfriend" . I don't have time to define the term now, but most women will know. Basically, this is the backup guy. The one who never gets any action, who is desperately in love with you, and you are not interested because you like some other guy who is not giving you the time of day. But the deputy is there to take you to a movie when HotGuy is not calling like he promised (because he is out with any number of other girls) Anyhow, looks like I just defined it. Not a nice thing, but turns out everyone has a deputy--- it is important-- the man learns how to be a boyfriend and girls ultimately learn how NOT to treat a man-- because eventually the deputy gets fed up and goes elsewhere, and the woman realzies what she missed out on. But back to MY deputy-- he sent me an email the essence of which was this:


"Julie: My wife and I are getting a divorce. You were right about her-- she is bad news. I wish I listened 12 years ago when you told me she would cheat on me. She was having an affair with her boss and now she moved out and we are getting divorced."

Well, I had not heard from this person in about 12 years...I am not even sure how he found my email. Suffice to say I was surprised, and saddened for him. But I was also surprised at how obnoxious and judgemental I sounded-- and I am sure he was correct, I am sure I WAS that obnoxious and judgemental at the time. Like I said, the years have softened me. I am trying to be a better person-- more accepting, more forgiving. Believe me, it is not always working. I am (still) far from perfect. But it is a work in progress.

I am definitely less judgemental. I think as I see life becoming more complicated, I understand that things are not black and white. I see how hard life's challenges are, and I understand how it isn't as easy for some to stay in a marriage, or stay away from alcohol/drugs, etc. I completely understand how you go from one day living in one world, to the next seemingly in another. We need each other to help us through-- not the judgement of others. No one has a perfect life-- I realized that when I got divorced. I was so embarrased about it-- I was ashamed to tell people, and still I fear running into certain people. Why? Not sure. It is in troubled times you learn who your friends are-- anyone who has attitude about it can just get over themselves. It was my friends who got me through that. I am so blessed now-- I have a wonderful husband, whom I absolutely worship, and a beautiful little son who is truly a miracle. I am very lucky, but life really sucked for awhile, and I knew I could always count on my friends.