Now versus Then

So, I have already established that I love my family and my stay at home life, but it sure is different from the old days. Let's be honest here-- there is absolutely nothing preventing me from going back (nope, don't want to) , so much of my musing today is simply nostalgia and overglamorization of working life viewed via the retrospectoscope.

There is something definitely fun and exciting about being an ER doctor-- definitely. Look-- TV shows have been dedicated to my career-- at any given time, you can probably find a show on TV about emergency medicine, either reality or fictionalized. Just off the top of my head I can think of the following:"ER"-- obviously, "House"- sort of counts, "Trauma: Life in the ER"-- I was on that once, ok, just for snippets, and in the background, but still, it counts! "Code Blue", "Mystery ER", "Untold Stories of the ER"- need I go on?

Some might even venture to say being an ER doc is kind of hot. Yes, I have to admit, there were times I felt a teensy bit like a rock star back in the day, with all the fun procedures and equipment and toys. It's definitely a high-- very fast-paced, sometimes there's some drama, and there is definitely a fun, flirtatious camraderie with all the staff, male and female alike. Some days you even save a life. There is also the entourage. You always have some sort of group following you (not because you are so cool, that is just sort of how it goes with the job)-- there are medical students and maybe a resident or two following you, wanting to see a procedure or two. Usually a couple of volunteers lurk about, hoping to see something cool, and then there is the Scribe. Yes, the Scribe. The Scribe is something (I think) unique to emergency medicine-- he or she is meant to streamline the physician's life, but also to make sure the doc doesn't screw up simply because of a lack of documentation. The Scribe literally follows the doc and writes down everything he or she is ordered, sort of like a mobile secretary, but then the Scribe also helps make sure orders happen. For example, I go see Mrs. X, who has chest pain. Scribe comes with me and listens while I take the history. As I talk to Mrs X, I make notations to Scribe (whom I have introduced as my scribe and assistant and follows all HIPPA compliance-- no patient confidentiality issues here) and as we talk I repeat back certain things in a manner indicating to Scribe that I want these things entered into the chart. Such as, "So Mrs X, you say your pain started 3 hours ago?" and so on. Then when I examine her, I tell Scribe out loud (discreetly, and with the door shut so others cannot hear) what I see on exam so this goes into the chart as well. When we are done, I give Scribe my orders and he or she gets them done. Scribe makes sure that there are no written documentation errors-- by confirming all my orders with me. This might seem like extra work, but overall, it really does save time. Yeah, there is no Scribe in my life these days.

I do, however, still have an entourage, but half of it wears diapers and the other half is of the four-legged, canine variety.

As I write this though, I am having a harder time describing ways in which the paths of my life diverge-- actually, it seems emergency medicine has trained me quite well for being a mom. I am more than comfortable with body fluids. I am used to endless screaming at all hours of the night (be it patients', children's, or my own). I am comfortable handling all kinds of emergencies, big and small. I am not afraid of blood. I am used to being up all night and surviving on little sleep. No, life these days is definitely not very glamorous (though it kind of is to me) but there are plenty of TV shows about it-- "A Baby Story, "Surviving Motherhood", "Wife Swap"-- ok, maybe that one doesn't count, and perhaps I am giving away that I watch a bit too much TV! My point is, today I don't feel the least bit like a rock star, but I am happier than ever.

More than once I have been asked if I feel I am "wasting" all my education and training-- it's probably not an unreasonable question. I spent 12 years training to be a physician, and I am happy if I never see the inside of an ER again. I was super-driven through college and medical school and residency, always running toward a goal. My career was always the highest priority-- I learned to delay gratification and work always with my eye on the future. Later, I would be rewarded for all my hard work. Well, "later" never really came. Yes, I finished training, but it really wasn't all that great. "Later" was actually quite a disappointment. All that work, and while I had a tremendous sense of satisfaction from having completed such a task, I felt like I missed out on an awful lot of life. Even once I was out of training, I was still just racing toward smaller goals-- finishing a shift, completing a research paper, finishing a talk for a conference-- the process of which really wasn't enjoyable. This is probably the single greatest difference between my life then and my life now-- I am not missing a single second of life-- and I am definitely not wasting an instant of it. I realize children are young only once and for such a brief period of time- each second is joyous for me (okay, maybe not the crying and the up all night part, but most of it is) I love my slower-paced life. I love just hanging out with my husband and baby. Even just giving my son a bath is so much fun. I love the fact that I can take an entire afternoon to go to the grocery store. So life is much slower. And there is no Scribe. And no flirtatious paramedics dropping off ice cream or doughnuts. But, I still have my entourage. And I wouldn't trade worlds for a second.