Sugar Daddies

My inlaws were here the other night, and conversation turned to one of their many relatives I don't know/never heard of/probably never will meet.  Someone mentioned (with some disdain, I thought) that she "got a sugar daddy".  All of a sudden a light went on in my head, "I bet that's what they think about ME!"

I am sure many would think I have a sugar daddy.  It's ok. I signed up for this.  I have to be ok with the judgement of others.  It doesn't mean I'm not occasionally bothered by it, but it runs deeper than that.   But also, this is one of those things that really (particularly today), it simply isn't appropriate to complain about.  I mean really, with all the real problems people have, being out of work and losing their homes, who wants to hear me whine that people can sometimes be cruel because I am married to a man 20 years my senior who has maybe 10 times the wealth I could ever dream to have?  

The thing is though, it isn't as easy as it seems.  Please understand, I don't mean to complain about my life.  I worship my husband.  But I love him without all of his financial accountrements, certainly not because of them.  Oh yes, it is definitely nice to live this way.  I won't complain about the things we have, but if that all went away, I know what is really important in life, and believe me, it sure isn't the stuff.  (And I so hope I can pass that on to my kids, but that is a different discussion.)  I know most of the world, and the people that knew him before I came along regard me with suspicion.  I know HE, at times, is suspicious of me. Most of this is due to his very painful divorce from his first wife.   Some is from what others are always whispering in his ear.  But what these others fail to understand is that I am here only because I am devoted to my husband and could not live without him; he is my soulmate.  The naysayers do not realize what I went through to get here-- and what I still endure (again, not that it is any big deal in comparison to the plight of people in the middle east, the homeless, the out of work, etc...but I am not some Loser looking for a Rich Guy to barnacle herself to, as many seem to suspect). 

Being with my husband cost me a job that I really loved.  The reasons why are beyond the scope of this entry.  But that was a painful time-- not to mention stressful for our relationship.   I am sure there are those who would say, "Yeah, well, what do you care?  You have a rich guy to take care of you!"  Yes, but that's not me.  I was always self-sufficient and self-reliant, and prided myself on those values. 

I also have three step-daughters, who (understandably) have been anything but welcoming.Of course this is a difficult time for them with the break-up of their family-- I get that (I had absolutely nothing to do with this, however) .  They may as well stand outside the house with signs that read: Go Away Now. I have been called a golddigger many times (interesting moniker for a doctor) as well as mocked openly on their Myspace and Facebook pages.  

My husband's friends have also regarded me with what can only be described as resign.  A couple have been ok.  Most have been dismissive.  I also get this.  They see me as someone out to take advantage of their friend.  I appreciate that they are trying to be a good friend to him.  But what no one really understands is that I harbor no delusions that what is his is ours.  I know:  It's. Not. Mine.  Believe me, I know.   Even if it were, I didn't earn it, it truly isn't mine.

In a prior entry, I mentioned how having my son gave me a sense of legitamacy in my life.  That is true, but the flip side of that is the pain at realizing that my son (and all my eventual children) will have access and acceptance with into my husband's circle that I will never enjoy.  No one will ever suspect them of being opportunists or trying to take advantage-- they were born with this name-- that alone gives them rights that are not mine.  

There is the adage that those who marry for money end up earning it.  That isn't me, but I understand where it comes from.  

Belonging

So today I went to the hospital where I did my internship, and where many of my girlfriends still work. Internship was a great year for me, lots of hard work and sleepless nights, but also one of the best years of my life. After four years of incredible stress (medical school, but also the stress of taking care of my father as he died a slow and painful death during those years), internship was actually a relief. And fun. And, because there were so many fun women in my intern class, as close to being in a sorority as I ever got. And I really haven't been back there much in the nearly 9 years since I finished.



I went today to hear my friend Maria give noon conference. Noon conference is an institution at that hospital. First of all, it is poorly named, since it takes place from 12:30 to 1:30 or later. It is daily, there is food, and all of the housestaff, the interns and residents, attend, as well as some of the attendings. I liked going because one, there was food, two, we got to sit down, and three, it was a chance to catch up and gossip with everyone else. At least where I trained, internship is a lot like high school, but probably with more sex and less acne. So noon conference is ripe with gossip, lustful glances, and note passing (well not really, but you get the picture). Noon conference is like the quad. I had kind of forgotten this. I feel older-- I used to attend conference because I had to, now my friends are giving the lectures.



When I walked in today, it was like walking back in time. I felt like I was right back where I used to be, and for an instant, I caught myself peeking around the corner for the residency director (now deceased) since I was a bit late to conference and didn't want to get caught. I opened the auditorium door and out came a very good-looking male intern (I am sure in my former emergency medicine program-- that is where the best looking guys were). For an instant I was musing about how good looking he was and then realized, "Yikes! I am at least ten years older!!!"



I was late, so I sat in the back and listened. Maria was awesome, as usual, and I learned a great deal about the latest in antiretrovirals. And I watched the rows in front of me, and saw the person I used to be, or at least someone like me. Interns are easily spotted. At least at this hospital. Tired, maybe. But more than that, it is a confidence and maybe slight arrogance that one has finally made it to the other side of the fence; gone are the days of wearing the short white coat (which screams "MEDICAL STUDENT"); now the intern belongs in the hospital for the first time really. No one would miss a medical student, but if the intern is missing for more than a few minutes, everyone knows. The nurses know, as they are endlessly paging the intern on call. The rest of the housestaff know, as they depend on each other. And of course, the attendings know.

But what really struck me today, is that I miss that sense of belonging. Believe me, I love my life now, and wouldn't trade it. But I don't always feel like I fit in the same way as I did in medicine. Back then, I walked into rounds and I never felt like I had to explain who I was, or why I was there. It isn't always that way now. It is hard to be a second wife. I adore my husband and his family, but I am often overwhelmed by their sheer numbers, and it is daunting to know that there is one who came before me with a very long history. I can't count how many times we have run into friends of my husband who mistake me for his ex-wife. Some (ok, maybe only one) of his current friends have been downright hurtful in making me feel like I just don't belong--like I am simply "the current girlfriend". And while I totally understand my stepdaughters' need to secure their place, but the constant "do you remember when" of vacations taken and memories past that pre-date me can grate after a bit. My husband is great about making me feel like I am important and desired, that isn't it. I also have to admit, having my son gave me additional feelings of legitamacy in my world-- not that that was the reason I became a mother, but it was an added bonus.

No, I don't miss working, and I certainly don't miss being a resident. But I do miss that feeling of fitting in.

Can we just go back to Taco Tuesday??

....ok, I know it has been 3+ months since my last entry.  But I do have maybe 10 drafts in progress, I just don't know why it has been so difficult to get them out. It is not as if I am ever lacking for something to say!!

Life has certainly crept up on me lately.  Not so much for me, but those around me.  It pains me to see those I love going through such turmoil.  Several of my very close friends are having serious problems with their marriages.  All are great couples, I really like each half of the pairs in question (that is a fact, as none read this, so this is not just a suck up or to not hurt feelings)  but they are all having real problems which are just devastating.  Another friend is in the midst of a medical malpractice lawsuit which is very stressful, compounding the sorrow she already has for the family and the outcome.   Several of my former coworkers have children with catastrophic illnesses, the  mere thought of which is truly heartbreaking.  I am very happy, but it wasn't too long ago that I was divorcing and basically jobless. 

    But also, it doesn't seem very long ago that we were all on the beach, hanging out on a day off or after a night shift, and our biggest concern was which happy hour we would go to or maybe worrying if the guy we were hung up on at the time would call.  What happened?  How do things change so quickly?  Could things be different now if back then we could have seen the future?  What if we could have told our friend, "Hey, that's a great guy, but if you hang out with him tonight, you'll keep dating, and then you'll get married, move away from all your friends and a few years from now he will be bipolar and a drug addict?  And you'll have kids.  But he's a great person and a great dad and you will love him and not want to leave him.  So maybe you just want to come back to the house and watch Ally McBeal with the rest of us?"  Would we want to be able to do this? Of course not.

But I would like to go back, maybe just for a couple of hours to that time when life was so easy. When I woke up in the morning, went for a run, went to the beach, walked my dog, and hung out with my friends. And that was the extent of my day.  Is my life stressful now?  No.  Would I trade it for anything?  Of course not.  But yes, youth truly is wasted on the young.  I never understood that before.  I think, what I miss more than anything is not freedom, because it isn't like my life now prevents me from doing anything I want to do, but I do miss not having a constant low level fear of loss.  That is hard to describe, but it is something that  came along when I got married and really intensified once I had my son, I just worry about my family and loved ones all the time.  When I was younger, I only had to take care of myself.  A couple of weeks ago, my husband had my son and I was out for awhile, and I could not reach them-- not at home and not on my husband's cell.  Initially I didn't think anything of it, but after almost 3 hours went by, I was in a panic, speculating that they must have been in a car accident, the house had been invaded, etc.  I drove home in near hysterics; they had been in the backyard all along, safe and sound.  I ran outside, crying and crying, just so relieved to see them safe.  That definitely never happened in the old days. 

So if I could go back and see the me in the previous life, I would tell her to enjoy those days, because there won't ever be a time again where she won't have serious responsibilities.   I would also tell her that while fun, it is NOT the best time of her life-- that is yet to come.  My life here and now is definitely the most fun and most fulfilling.

As an aside, one of our favorite places to go was World Famous at the end of PB drive.  Great location, great (cheap) food --but only during happy hour, otherwise, it is expensive on a resident salary, and good margaritas.  I went there recently for lunch, and it hasn't changed at all.  Still gorgeous view, great for people watching, and great food.  I went with my family for lunch, so no margarita, which was just fine.  We had a great time, and I thought, "This is perfect, just like the old days.  Having a baby doesn't slow me down a bit."  Then I had to change a diaper.  I walked through the bar to the nasty bathroom (which of course does not have a changing table, why would it?? Most of the patrons are in COLLEGE)  I got it done and thought, "Yeah, things sure were different the last time I was here!"  Never would have imagined I'd be changing diapers on the floor of the World Famous bathroom.  I guess I came full circle-- from "resting" in the bathroom after maybe one to many of the drink specials to doing diaper duty.  Yes, how things change.