I am sure many would think I have a sugar daddy. It's ok. I signed up for this. I have to be ok with the judgement of others. It doesn't mean I'm not occasionally bothered by it, but it runs deeper than that. But also, this is one of those things that really (particularly today), it simply isn't appropriate to complain about. I mean really, with all the real problems people have, being out of work and losing their homes, who wants to hear me whine that people can sometimes be cruel because I am married to a man 20 years my senior who has maybe 10 times the wealth I could ever dream to have?
The thing is though, it isn't as easy as it seems. Please understand, I don't mean to complain about my life. I worship my husband. But I love him without all of his financial accountrements, certainly not because of them. Oh yes, it is definitely nice to live this way. I won't complain about the things we have, but if that all went away, I know what is really important in life, and believe me, it sure isn't the stuff. (And I so hope I can pass that on to my kids, but that is a different discussion.) I know most of the world, and the people that knew him before I came along regard me with suspicion. I know HE, at times, is suspicious of me. Most of this is due to his very painful divorce from his first wife. Some is from what others are always whispering in his ear. But what these others fail to understand is that I am here only because I am devoted to my husband and could not live without him; he is my soulmate. The naysayers do not realize what I went through to get here-- and what I still endure (again, not that it is any big deal in comparison to the plight of people in the middle east, the homeless, the out of work, etc...but I am not some Loser looking for a Rich Guy to barnacle herself to, as many seem to suspect).
Being with my husband cost me a job that I really loved. The reasons why are beyond the scope of this entry. But that was a painful time-- not to mention stressful for our relationship. I am sure there are those who would say, "Yeah, well, what do you care? You have a rich guy to take care of you!" Yes, but that's not me. I was always self-sufficient and self-reliant, and prided myself on those values.
I also have three step-daughters, who (understandably) have been anything but welcoming.Of course this is a difficult time for them with the break-up of their family-- I get that (I had absolutely nothing to do with this, however) . They may as well stand outside the house with signs that read: Go Away Now. I have been called a golddigger many times (interesting moniker for a doctor) as well as mocked openly on their Myspace and Facebook pages.
My husband's friends have also regarded me with what can only be described as resign. A couple have been ok. Most have been dismissive. I also get this. They see me as someone out to take advantage of their friend. I appreciate that they are trying to be a good friend to him. But what no one really understands is that I harbor no delusions that what is his is ours. I know: It's. Not. Mine. Believe me, I know. Even if it were, I didn't earn it, it truly isn't mine.
In a prior entry, I mentioned how having my son gave me a sense of legitamacy in my life. That is true, but the flip side of that is the pain at realizing that my son (and all my eventual children) will have access and acceptance with into my husband's circle that I will never enjoy. No one will ever suspect them of being opportunists or trying to take advantage-- they were born with this name-- that alone gives them rights that are not mine.
There is the adage that those who marry for money end up earning it. That isn't me, but I understand where it comes from.
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