Wow, what has it been, 2 years since my last post?? I don't know why I stopped updating my blog...maybe I felt I didn't have much to say. Though looking at my last entry, it was right before I got pregnant with my daughter, and then I was tired, lazy, and not in a mood to write.
So, in the interim since my last post I have:
1. had another baby, a GIRL
2.had said daughter hospitalized twice
3. had dear friends lose their child, only 2 months older than my daughter, to SIDS-- a horrible, horrible tragedy and one that affected me deeply
4. officially become a serious runner-- I have run one half marathon and one full marathon and have 3 more marathons scheduled during the next 10 months
5. NOT given up my Diet Coke addiction
6. become a pretty decent cook/baker
7. lost my beloved dog, the one I had before I was a mother...and gained a new dog, one that I am honestly just not bonded to
8. lost the rest of my baby weight, then got pregnant again and gained more than I gained with my first, and then lost it all again
9. given up a lot, if not most, of my fears about myself and motherhood. I have two kids I have managed to keep alive, keep fed, and generally healthy/happy. That is pretty much successful motherhood, at least in my mind.
Part of the reason I haven't been keeping up with my blog is I simply haven't known where to start.
I will stick with the plan I have when my house is so messy, I just don't know where to start cleaning: tackle the first thing I see and work from there.
So:
OMG, I have a GIRL!!!
Backing up to about 2 years ago, I got pregnant. I just could not wait to find out that I was having a boy. Of course I was having another boy: I am not meant to be a mother of girls, first of all (not girly, not close with my own mom, don't like dolls); I had a name for a boy, all kinds of plans for a boy-- how close he and my older son would be, how we would have so much fun playing in the dirt and doing boy things, how much I would love my future daughter-in-law (I admit, I got very much ahead of myself). I also enjoyed the idea of being the only woman in a house full of boys. Who wouldn't want to be the lone female doted on by a house full of men?? Now, just to be clear-- I love my girlfriends and really enjoy the company of other woman-- I am not one of those people who "just can't relate to other women." I simply did NOT want to be the mother of one.
So, I continued along in my pregnancy believing with all of my being that I was having a boy. I wasn't completely convinced though, and I wanted to know immediately. I did the "Intelligender" several times-- a urine test you can do I think after 5 weeks gestation--mine first said "girl", and I figured it must be wrong so I did it 3 more times. I next got a "boy" and then 2 "indeterminate" results. I, of course, chose to believe my fetus had a penis.
Went to my 15 week U/S, and wow, was I shocked to learn I was carrying a girl. "Shocked" would be one word: "terrified" and "depressed" might be others. I recognized that really, I needed to just be happy I had what appeared to be a healthy baby. But having at best, a rather aloof, and at worst, downright adversarial relationship with my own mother made me dread having a daughter. I can remember being very little, one of my first memories really, and thinking that I would never have children, because I didn't want them to feel about me the way I did about my mom. Which I know sounds like a horrible thing to say about my mom, but the bottom line: she just didn't do much mothering at all. And having 2 teenage stepdaughters in the throes of teen angst and hormones also didn't make feel feel like having a daughter was all that much of a blessing. Though I realize now how wrong I was and what a gift my little girl is.
I first refused to believe I had a girl growing in my uterus. I had to go back at 18 weeks for another US to clear some anatomy that wasn't easily visible on my 15 week scan. I figured at that time, surely the tech would tell me that in fact, I was having a boy. Nope, still a girl. Fast forward to my c-section: the anesthesisologist asked me what I was having and I said, "Well, supposedly a girl, but I really think it is a boy." He laughed, telling me he had not seen an error in gender on US in more than 25 years of practice. And, of course, once she was out of my uterus, my daughter was very much a girl. And TRULY a girl: loves dolls (I am desperately afraid of dolls), loves having her nails done (ok, clipped) at even 9 months of age, loves babies and all things pink. I guess I like pink though too, so I can't say we are complete opposites.
Now, with Ingrid nearly 17 months old, I couldn't imagine life without her; I also love the dynamic between my two children. I think we are given the children we are truly meant to have. Perhaps she is supposed to teach me more understanding and forgiveness for my own mother. Or maybe just payback-- maybe she will be a feisty (sure is now), rebellious teen and young adult who just clashes with me at every turn. I hope not. She certainly is a Daddy's girl though, oh my. Anytime Ken walks out of the room it is as if he is leaving for war and she fears she will never see him again. I leave and occasionally will get a plaintive, "Mommy!" But never the aching, siren call she emits for my husband. And I am happy-- I am glad my daughter and her father are so bonded. I know she loves me, and I am completely ok with not being her favorite. So different than I was with my son when he was younger-- then I constantly obsessed about whether or not he loved me "enough". I re-read some of my old blog posts tonight and laugh that I was ever concerned he wasn't bonded enough to me. He is the ultimate mommy's boy now-- and honestly, I love being the center of his universe and realize the days of this are numbered. Soon his friends will eclipse me, but for now, I love that he wants to constantly be by my side.
And of course, it is much more fun to dress a girl. That alone has been very fun. And looking back, the visions of what life would be like with two boys are pretty hazy-- now I see myself taking Ingrid to ballet, going on spa days with her, buying prom dresses, dealing with her first period, and planning her wedding. Yes, I realize none of these may pan out. She may very well hate dance, hate shopping (though her love of shoes already outpaces my own), drop out of school and decide to never marry. I am completely ok with all of those-- my only goal for myself and mothering a girl is to accept her for who she is. That is of course, easy now. Even on her most challenging days, she is still a cute, rambunctious, ornery toddler who always makes me smile. I fully recognize that our most difficult days lay ahead. I hope when she is a teen I will remember that I have promised to always love her exactly the way she is, and support her in whatever she chooses to do, even when she is at her most obnoxious.
One thing is clear-- my daughter has a very strong personality-- she is opinionated, bossy, and short-tempered. Some would say, just like me. She definitely has a love for Diet Coke-- not that I am putting it in her sippy cup of course, but she got ahold of some a few months back and now screams everytime she sees a can/bottle and claws for it. She likes champagne too....see, already we have so much common ground!
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